Lingering in the mist...
There is a wonderful reference in the Bible to our lives being a mist, a breath, here today and gone tomorrow. Why make plans? Why say 'we'll do this or that'? It's offered in such a way as to make us realize that someone, something greater, holds all the cards, and this is not a player that has a tell. It means to tell us not to be arrogant, as if our lives were ours to control, manipulate, and fashion to our liking. It means to tell us that today is a gift, and that our hearts should be grateful to have lived it to its close.
This has been a terribly emotional couple of weeks. 12 days ago I found out my wife was offered a job doing a musical in Florida, over 10 hours away by car, one that would keep her away just over 6 weeks. No huge deal. We've done this before. It's a lot of pressure to put things in order, then a lot of absence making the heart grow fonder to follow. 6 days ago, I found out my wife was pregnant, something we have been trying to make happen for going on a year now, but only now had found any success in. 4 days ago, my wife went to the doctor, fearing she was losing the child. It could of course be the over reactive concerns of a first time mommy-to-be, but a lot of bleeding while pregnant is generally not a good sign. 12 hours from now, she is scheduled to receive the results of a blood test that will (hopefully) indicate conclusively that she is either still pregnant, or not at all.
I have to admit, I'm not accustomed to experiencing a great deal of emotion. It's not common, nor is it particularly comfortable for me. What I realized this past week was that my reaction to extremes such as these is a total shutdown. Perhaps a shutdown followed by a reboot, but if we follow the example of my home PC, it's not as quick a process as one might think. Best to go about ones business and not watch the clock. So, I've been trying to go about my business, waiting for some answers, but also dreading that the answers might not be the ones I want. It may seem small in the grand scheme of time and such, but for 2 days, I finally got to be a father. Then doubt and fear flooded back in again and I felt loss. Even if there really is no loss, and 8 or so months from now, new life awakens in the real world, the fragility of life, the thinness of it, fell across me like a web in a forest. In the morning, I will get an answer to a fairly big question. It will either deeply disappoint me, or fill me with another small breath of excitement, the inevitable exhalation of which will surely bring about another drawn chasm of doubt and fear. I get it. I can follow the patterns. A mist is by definition something that 'dims, obscures, or blurs'. Life, at some point or another, does all three. Still, I'm lingering, hoping to find that another will be lingering here with me soon...
This has been a terribly emotional couple of weeks. 12 days ago I found out my wife was offered a job doing a musical in Florida, over 10 hours away by car, one that would keep her away just over 6 weeks. No huge deal. We've done this before. It's a lot of pressure to put things in order, then a lot of absence making the heart grow fonder to follow. 6 days ago, I found out my wife was pregnant, something we have been trying to make happen for going on a year now, but only now had found any success in. 4 days ago, my wife went to the doctor, fearing she was losing the child. It could of course be the over reactive concerns of a first time mommy-to-be, but a lot of bleeding while pregnant is generally not a good sign. 12 hours from now, she is scheduled to receive the results of a blood test that will (hopefully) indicate conclusively that she is either still pregnant, or not at all.
I have to admit, I'm not accustomed to experiencing a great deal of emotion. It's not common, nor is it particularly comfortable for me. What I realized this past week was that my reaction to extremes such as these is a total shutdown. Perhaps a shutdown followed by a reboot, but if we follow the example of my home PC, it's not as quick a process as one might think. Best to go about ones business and not watch the clock. So, I've been trying to go about my business, waiting for some answers, but also dreading that the answers might not be the ones I want. It may seem small in the grand scheme of time and such, but for 2 days, I finally got to be a father. Then doubt and fear flooded back in again and I felt loss. Even if there really is no loss, and 8 or so months from now, new life awakens in the real world, the fragility of life, the thinness of it, fell across me like a web in a forest. In the morning, I will get an answer to a fairly big question. It will either deeply disappoint me, or fill me with another small breath of excitement, the inevitable exhalation of which will surely bring about another drawn chasm of doubt and fear. I get it. I can follow the patterns. A mist is by definition something that 'dims, obscures, or blurs'. Life, at some point or another, does all three. Still, I'm lingering, hoping to find that another will be lingering here with me soon...
posted by Master of None at 10:00 PM
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